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Archive for the 'Jokes' Category

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Today’s YouTube Star

And now for something totally different… A slight distraction from the politics and the election. I present to you, Mike Mozart, the toy reviewer. The first 3 are funny. The last one is serious. Make sure you watch the last one.

Best lines and Obama Jokes

Ok, so the late night TV people are having trouble getting some Obama jokes out there. I say we help them out a bit. The funniest line I have seen so far comes from Art at Common Sense Political Thought where he writes: “The Obamaburger seems deficient in red meat and there is little inside the over-hyped bun but some rather moldy tofu.” Now that’s great!

So come up with your own Obama jokes and toss them into comments. Keep them tasteful so we can spread them far and wide and show the pansies on the late night shows how it’s done. Oh, and “Obama is the funniest joke” is taken…

Barack’s brilliant idea is todays PSA

Hi everyone! For once, Barack had a decent idea. A brilliant idea. Everyone should learn Spanish! Now, I know what you’re thinking. I thought it at first too! Why should we learn their language instead of having them learn ours? Well, I mulled this around a bit and then I had a thought. Barack is right! We should learn Spanish. Now, stay with me here.

Here is the DMV with the people lined up out the door.

Yell as loud as you can both outside and into the doors the following:

“Inmigración! Sace su carta verde o usted será detenido y deportado!”

Which means: Immigration! Get your green card out or you will be arrested and deported.

Here is the DMV after the fire drill completes.

Time at the DMV is now cut by 90%. It works at stores too!

Here’s the online translator. Make some phrases of your own!

You’re welcome.

singing the flip flops

I kind of liked the “Another one under the bus”, so in keeping with old time rock songs, I present to you, “Changes” by Barack, sung, of course, to the tune by Bowie. And a one, and a two…

MMMM, Yeah,
You still don’t know what I am standing for
And my views are running wild
A million new positions
Every time I got one chal-ll-enged
There is nothing that is not so sweet
that I can’t toss it under the bus
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see this faker
I’m much too scared to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(I will change my mind)
Ch-ch-Changes
Press don’t hold me accountable
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(If you challenge me)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be ten different men
You may challenge me
But I’ll change each time

I watch the glaze hit the eyes
on brain dead lib tards
they stare and drool zombified
as brain rot floats through their eyes
Now my views they change and change
And the press will call that nuanced
As they try to change their words
and cover my many whopping lies
They’re quite aware of what they’re going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(time to lie again)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don’t tell me to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Smoother than Slick Will)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where’s my shame
I’ve left you up to your necks in it
You may challenge me
But I’ll change each time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the place that I was

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(my views are real strange)
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, look out you old moderates
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(my views are so insane)
Ch-ch-Changes
Pretty soon you’re gonna get a little wiser
You may challenge me
But I’ll change each time
I said you may challenge me
But I’ll change each time

The calm before the storm

Since the SCOTUS is going to make a huge ruling on guns tomorrow, it’s probably time to lighten up a bit. So, let’s have some fun.

First we have a blog called zacsunderland.com. So who is Zac? Well, he is a 16 year old whose mom and dad put him on a sail boat a week ago Saturday to sail around the world. Alone. As in all by himself. Let me repeat that, he is going to sail the world, all by his little self. Good luck Zac. Don’t get boarded by pirates. They’re not like Johnny Depp. So, would you let your 16 year old go? When he was 16, I would have hog tied my son and thrown him on the boat and kicked it out to sea, so I guess I can’t bash them that much.

Here’s that kitty video again. Funny as heck and oh, so true:

Here’s one we can laugh like heck at. This guy was a classic. One of the best ever.

A strange one:

Finally, what happens when a comedian in libtard central (Seattle) decides to tell a towel head joke?

Have a good night and let’s hope the SCOTUS does the right thing. But based on the child rapist ruling, I’m not holding my breath…

A little humor

Ok, Here’s the latest from the Nightly Potato folks. It’s a teaser for their new episode called ratings week. Couric is hysterical…

two from our friends at the Moxaragon Group:

First Xran explains high oil prices.

Second, with all the questions about Obama’s birth certificate, the Moxaragon Group has uncovered the true scandal, Obama’s real father!

Next, you have a homework assignment. Make a democrat joke title from this clip and leave it in comments.

Finally, funny as heck, George Takei on homophobia (saw it on Boortz’ site):

Have a good night!

last comic standing chat

Ok, let’s try to heckle the Last Comic Standing. After all, what goes better than comics and heckling? Show starts at 8:00 est/7:00 cst.

Barack Obama Rumors

RUMOR: Barack Obama was in the Black Panthers.
STATUS: False.
He does not like felines; in fact, he eats live kittens for breakfast.

RUMOR: Barack Obama will have the Black Panthers in his administration.
STATUS: False.
He will, however, have black pants.

RUMOR: Barack Obama is exceptionally gifted and will Change™ America.
STATUS: False.
Being just like any other person, he will, however, change his underwear. Occasionally.

RUMOR: Michelle Obama has burned the flag.
STATUS: False.
This is a misunderstanding; she has actually turned a man into a fag*.

Idea shamelessly ripped from Frank J.’s much funnier rumor fact-check. ;-)

Denmark weighs in on the election

This just in via TC:

We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer; and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side you have a true war hero, married to a beautiful woman with a huge chest who owns a Beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

today’s Eeewwww post, or someone has too much time on their hands…

So I am listening to my local radio station when the news comes up and tells of a 100 dollar cup of coffee. Dang, and I thought Starbucks was freaking snobby. Are you kidding me? So why is the coffee a hundred dollars a cup? Well, because there are only a few hundred pounds of beans harvested a year. From an animal’s poop. The animal is called a civet and they dig through it’s poop to get the coffee beans. Here’s the story of the origination of civet coffee as it was written a long time ago:

“Mr. Chung, we at the Democrat National Committee want to thank you for all the money you are laundering for us. BTW, I’m sorry about this, but one of the Peta folks brought a bunch of monkeys and one of them is currently humping your cat. It should finish soon and we’ll be on our way”

“FINISH? Heck no! Get that thing off my cat!”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Chung, but we progressives never judge. If the monkey and cat want to have at it, then who are we to say they can’t. Nothing is wrong, except for missionary style heterosexual sex of course. Stupid conservatives. That’s just so old fashioned and wrong. Ah, here comes Mr. Greene, the Peta rep. Is your monkey finished?”

“Well, yes, with the first one, but then the other monkeys found other cats and well, now it’s a cat/monkey orgy”

“Horry Clap, stop them!”

“Mr. Chung, these are animals. They have more rights than you or I. Besides, I can assure you, by personal experience, those monkeys are very good..I mean gentle. Yeah, very gentle, and soft, and understanding and… excuse me a minute.”

“Where he go? What about my cats?”

“That Blane, he’s so progressive! Don’t worry, Blane always uses protection…”

Months pass and soon Hillary runs low on cash again. It’s what happens when a racist, bigoted, socialist empty suit is handing you your head in the primaries by saying bunch of feel good nothings. “Mr. Smith” from the DNC returns to see Mr. Chung. “What the heck are all of those, Mr. Chung?”

“Civets. It’s ancient tongue for retarded liberal monkey freak’s offspring. Your Peta-freak’s monkey had kids”

“You didn’t get them abortions? Come on, what kind of progressive are you?”

At that point, one of the Peta monkeys gets loose and grabs a pile of poo and hurls it at it’s owner.
“Ow, Floofa, that one had rocks in it! Stop that! You don’t want a time out now do you?”

Then Blane looked at his water and one of the rocks of pooh had landed in it. The water was turning brown.

“Hey, Smith, come here! I have an idea. We can make coffee out of the rocks in this pooh. We can call it something like Americanos. Quick, dig through the pooh in the yard! Get the hard pieces. We’ll open a coffee shop in New York! Think about it!”

“Blane, do you really think people will buy it?”

“Come on! They buy carbon offsets. They believed that it was ‘all about sex’. We have people thinking Hillary and Barack are qualified. Yeah, I think we can sell them coffee made from pooh.”

And so it goes, every year, people gather the pooh of the Civet and dig through for the coffee beans to make the 100 dollar cup of coffee.

There you go. The start of the 100 dollar cup of coffee. What, you don’t believe me? Then you explain to me how it is that someone basically said, “Hey, let’s make a cup of coffee out of that animals pooh”. An animal that is a cross between a cat and a monkey. For the life of me, I can’t figure it out.

Crucial National Poll Results: 18 million-plus Americans Rickrolled

Clearly, I have not been living up to my responsibilities.

Nationally, the number is 6% — and multiplied out by 300 million Americans, that means at least 18 million Americans have been on the receiving end of the prank. Note that this is likely an underestimation, as the poll was unable to include those under the age of 18. Full results are here.

UPDATE: Best Rickroll ever? HAHAHAHA!

time for a laugh.

Found this on Boortz. A couple cuss words, but funny has heck.

Important Election Reminder!

Via email from my Bama sis, Nicki:

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles, and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning… Today you voted.”

Peace and love and wealth and rainbows and unicorns for everyone!

Yeah, I know this is the same one as the Bill Gates/”beta” hell one, but this one’s pretty appropriate right now.

Iron My Shirt, Hillary!

I hate to break up a good case of Outrage™, but “Iron My Shirt” is old. Really old.

Iron my shirt, bitch

Video and the story of Hillary’s “Iron My Shirt” hecklers at MM, and Mary Katharine Ham was at the event. Fausta puts it in the proper perspective.

I dare not even peek at the lefty “feminist” blogs, because you know that between this stunt and yesterday’s “emotional” act (LOL!), they won’t think it’s funny.

Meanwhile, Michelle Malkin is soliciting ideas for new Hillary’s campaign song. Really, is there really any question?