Dave in Texas | MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

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You doubt my love

I give you, Consent.

UPDATE II: I’m a moron. Anyway, thanks John.

Analogkid turned me on to this one.

One in six Londoners avoid Muslims on buses, trains.

Right. Just one in six.

Well, to be fair, the article says one in six have “admitted moving seats“.

I know what I’d be doing. You know what you’d be doing.

Whether I admit it to a nosy-ass pollster or not is another story entirely.

Public Service Announcement - Beth is posting from her PDA

Which is not feeling well. We don’t know how much longer it can hold out…the batteries are shot, there’s a hole in the transmission the size of my, uhm… big toe, and the flux capacitor needs a nineteen gigawatt charge just to get us back to the future.

Doesn’t look good y’all.

The Chairman of the Bored

It’s Thursday night before the Labor Day weekend. A vacation we all take to celebrate work.

I feel like Pat O’Brien on a weeknight looking for some coke, and some hookers, and any chick who can get into Betsy.

I have tomorrow off though, so I’m staying up late in advance of my birthday, on Saturday, when I turn forty-seven.

groan.

In the meantime, I give you the largest Jumbotron in the world (for like a couple of weeks or something),

Godzillatron!

(hey, I made it open in another winder)

Austin

Here for a few days.

A little chardonnay. Couple of cigars.

Bunch of goofyheads Sedging down Nueces street.

Hell’s morons.

I thought about buying this shirt.

But it seems kinda “in your face”.

I’m much friendlier anyhow.

For Rocco

My Project 2,996 post.

This was hard to do.

Cotillion member vidblogs

These crazy kids. What are ya gonna do? They got money, video and bandwidth.

Poised, I’d say.

On the flip side, I’m swimming and Beth is green with envy.

Which I totally understand. I used to hate those pool bastards.

Before I became one.

I still hate the other ones.

Hates em and wants the precious!

oh and I’m still screwing around with this trackback thing and I’m sure I violated 14 cotillion laws including that whole “ending a sentence with a preposition” thing.

Really. Is that SUCH a big f’n’ deal?

Did I mention we’re gonna be swimming next week?

Oh yes. I’m just that much of a bastard.

Hey, it was 104 today. You might as well ask me “why did you wait so long, dumb ass”?

I have no good answer.

Don’t ask about the funny pipe. Long story.

Dell to recall 4.1 million laptop batteries

Bad news for a company who missed their earnings projections 2 quarters in a row.

They’re an interesting company. Some things they do very well.

Customer service ain’t one of em.

We here in central Texas (Dell is just a ways down the road) kid that Michael Dell moved his customer service operations to New Delhi cause none of you could understand our accents.

It’ll be interesting to see how they handle this.

And by interesting, I mean a complete pain in the ass.

She said I could pimp it

Go see WTC. Good film.

Different film. Not United 93. Not supposed to be.

But not bad at all.

I’ll give this spoiler. It’s about men fighting because that’s what we do.

Kilauea explodes

Without commentary.

Lucky volcano.

She said I could pimp my ride

So I am.

Serious though, am I the only one who thinks “you dumb ass, you think people in the middle of a war know when it’s gonna be over”?

Maybe it’s just me. I don’t remember thinking “Vietnam, late spring, 1975. We’ll be done”.

I was 15. I had other interests.

Best anti-war movie evah

Dr. Strangelove. Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb.

Anything you want to know about me, you can know through this film.

Or Patton.

Some of my favs:

Major T. J. “King” Kong: Well, I’ve been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones. You sure you got today’s codes?

President Merkin Muffley: General Turgidson, I find this very difficult to understand. I was under the impression that I was the only one in authority to order the use of nuclear weapons.

General “Buck” Turgidson: That’s right, sir, you are the only person authorized to do so. And although I, uh, hate to judge before all the facts are in, it’s beginning to look like, uh, General Ripper exceeded his authority.

Major T. J. “King” Kong: Survival kit contents check. In them you’ll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days’ concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella’ could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

General “Buck” Turgidson: Mr. President, I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks.

General Jack D. Ripper: Nineteen hundred and forty-six. Nineteen forty-six, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your post-war Commie conspiracy, huh? It’s incredibly obvious, isn’t it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual. Certainly without any choice. That’s the way your hard-core Commie works.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Colonel… that Coca-Cola machine. I want you to shoot the lock off it. There may be some change in there.

Colonel “Bat” Guano: That’s private property.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Colonel! Can you possibly imagine what is going to happen to you, your frame, outlook, way of life, and everything, when they learn that you have obstructed a telephone call to the President of the United States? Can you imagine? Shoot it off! Shoot! With a gun! That’s what the bullets are for, you twit!

Colonel “Bat” Guano: Okay. I’m gonna get your money for ya. But if you don’t get the President of the United States on that phone, you know what’s gonna happen to you?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: What?

Colonel “Bat” Guano: You’re gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.

General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake, were you ever a prisoner of war?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Well, yes I was Jack as a matter of fact I was.

General Jack D. Ripper: Did they torture you?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Yes Jack, I was tortured by the Japanese, if you must know, not a pretty story.

General Jack D. Ripper: Well, what happened?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Oh Well, I don’t know, Jack, difficult to think of under these conditions, but well, they got me on the old Ragoon-Ichinawa railway. I was laying train lines for the bloody Japanese puff-puff’s.

General Jack D. Ripper: No, I mean when they tortured you did you talk?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Ah, oh, no, I don’t think they wanted me to talk really, I don’t think they wanted me to say anything. It was just their way of having a bit of fun the swines. Strange thing is they make such bloody good cameras.

President Merkin Muffley: Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room.

I’m a retard. Have I mentioned that yet?

This is not exploitation

I’m thinkin “c-cup”.

Which is a rich combination of guys that sorta know what I’m talkin about here and gals that instantly know but not really. I’ll bet that every guy here knows exactly what I’m referring to. The sweet ladies will be all “what? huh”?

Oh they’ll get it. I’ll have an email from “you know who” waiting when I drink some coffee in a couple of hours.

I am full of these crazy, what do you call them, dichotomies?

Fancy word.

UPDATE: Beth has posted something serious at the same time I have posted something moronic.

That’s kinda how this is gonna work. You go read serious!

The lunatic is in the hall

Half of you thought “Cynthia McKinney“.

But no. In a moment of Thunderbird-addled weakness, Beth said “Sure! What the hell? They’re all a bunch of retards anyway and you’ll fit right in”!

And gave me the invite.

She even knows I was born in Auburn Alabama, where my dad graduated. She didn’t care.

It was Tuesday. Tuesdays are weird.

She said I could pimp my moron-blog, which I have, thank you very hello. I’m pool blogging over there. S’right beeyatches, I’m a week and a half away from telling the Texas summer to “bite my clank”!

I’ve never said that to a Texas summer by the way. Too damn skeert.

Oh, and I know what most of you are saying on the pool thing. “You son of a bitch you”.

Yes. I can feel the hate flow within you. Strike now and your conversion to the dark side will be complete.

I’m unarmed.

Really.

Ok, I’m lyin.

ace gave me the keys a couple of times, a couple of valu-rite weekends dear Jesus it’s all a blur to me now. He’s never looked back, never regretted.

Ok I’m lyin again. Still, get the boy tanked up on valu-rite vodka and goofballs, he’ll let you write about any stupid shi’ite.

Beth, that sound you hear, in the back of your mind? The little voice?

It’s regret.

Oh my yes.