2009 March | MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

Archive for March, 2009

AI Party!!!

Well, we’re down to 9! Hopefully we can keep some of the good singers and rid ourselves of the poor ones. Unfortunately we don’t have a “eliminate_them” button so we have to suffer through what ever the voters hand us. Let’s have some fun!

<a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php?option=com_mobile&task=viewaltcast&altcast_code=2e07bd42cc" >AI TUESDAY!</a>

Brow (Anoop) - Goes first. Give him a 5. Being in the dead man’s spot is a bad thing. Judges agreed.

Sleeve - aka Megan - Oooh, this is bad. Very bad. Give it a 4. She may have saved Anoop. Judges agreed.

Dead Wife (Danny) - Violins on Idol… Hmm. Meh. Nothing special. We’ll go a 6+. First place by default. Judges loved him.

Jailbait (Allison) - doing No Doubt. Leaving No Doubt that this night is sucking badly… Yick. 5. Judges were mixed.

Blind dude (Scott) - doing Just the Way You Are from Billy Joel. Meh. Not bad. Better than most. Give a 6. Judges loved him.

Matt (no nickname yet) singing something I’ve never heard and NEVER want to hear it again. It sucked. 4 and that is being kind. Judges hated it too.

Lil Rounds (no nickname) - singing Celiene Dion. Dang, this sucks too. 6. WTF is going on tonight? Judges say she did good with a bad song.

Emo (Adam) up. Play that funky music. Please be good! Please! It started good, but WTF was that ending. Judges loved it. Was one of the better. 6+.

Chris with a K (Kris Allen) - ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone - I HATE that song. Sucked. I’ll give him a 1. Judges liked it.

Top 3
1. Emo
2. Dead Wife
3. Blind Dude

Bottom 3.
7. Brow
8. Matt
9. Sleeve

Megan going home.

What did they do with the body?

Let’s put this one up in honor of Emperor Misha over at the Rott. Goblin decides to rob a store. Goblin gets distracted. Store person decides rather than call police, he’ll handle it. By the time the store clerk is done, the goblin is probably begging for police. He doesn’t get his wish. Last we see of the goblin, he is being pulled off to the back unwillingly. Hopefully he was in for some Jack Bauer treatment! I love the smell of justice doled out in self defense! The fun begins at about the 2:00 minute mark. Enjoy!

obama is the undisputed global debt champion

Great.

As the senator explains, “To say it another way, if you take all the debt of our country run up by all of our presidents from George Washington through George W. Bush, the total debt over all those 200 plus years since we started as a nation, it is President Obama’s plan to double that debt in just the first five years that he is in office.”

Welcome to the United Socialist States of America.

I’m getting ready to roll.

but hitler didn’t use a teleprompter

Just sayin’.

Random Links

So, just a few things on the internet for fun.

First up! If you are going to try to break a record by smashing coconuts live on TV, don’t you think you should TRY IT FIRST just to make sure you can??? I bring you MAJOR FAIL!

How Not To Break A World Record - Watch more Funny Videos

Apparently, Sean Penn, Jim Carrey and Benicio Del Toro are the big 3 in the upcoming 3 stooges movie. I guess Obama, Pelosi and Reid were busy…

Ok, guys, have you ever used lines like these or something like them?
“Nice shoes want to f**K?”
In the supermarket: “Are your melons ripe?”
“If you were a burger at McDonald’s I would call you McBeautiful”

If so, then Svetlana at somewhatdamaged wants to have a little talk with you…

Now, I know they say that diamonds are a girls best friend, but I beg to differ. This guy is a girls best friend. No words to describe it but at the 50 second mark, he’ll be Mr. Popular.

World’s Biggest Tongue - Watch more Funny Videos

Finally, I know your entire life will be made complete with these next words:

Where The Wild Things Are trailer!

That’s right! The single greatest children’s story book ever written made into a movie! Life is good!

Ring of Fire - By Barack’s victims

A little silliness for a Saturday. Have a good weekend. I give you, Ring of Fire, sung to the Johnny Cash version, performed by US, Barack’s future victims.

Aaaaannnnnnddddd begin!

He pro-mised, everything
and he made, the voters sing
now their wild, selfish desire
reamed my rear, to a ring of fire…

My butt hole is a burning ring of fire
my pay went down,down
when my taxes went higher.
And he reamed,reamed,reamed
the ring of fire
the ring of fire.

My butt hole is a burning ring of fire
I feel like I was
fisted with a tire
And it burns,burns,burns
the ring of fire
the ring of fire.

He said no one, would have to pay
til they made, two fifty K
But when the bill, became past due
He came and reamed, you know who

YOUR butt hole will be a ring of fire
your pay will go down
and your taxes go higher.
And he’ll ream,ream,ream
your ring of fire
your ring of fire.

Our butt holes will be a ring of fire
We’ll feel like we were
fisted with a tire
And it burns,burns,burns
the ring of fire
the ring of fire.

And it burns,burns,burns
the ring of fire
the ring of fire.

AI Elimination Thursday!

Dial Idol says it’s Michael going home with Megan and Scott in the bottom 3 with him. I still think Megan goes, but we’ll see. I hope she stays…
<a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php?option=com_mobile&task=viewaltcast&altcast_code=5e7609d80b" >AI Thurs</a>

AI Wednesday

We were delayed a day for the Teleprompter in Chief. Here’s to something better!

substitute the words ‘george bush’ for ‘barack obama’

And imagine the uproar!

Barack Obama last night substituted his teleprompters for a big screen television at the back of the East Room.

Riddle me this liberals: if it’s OK to read off a script at press conferences, then why get rid of the teleprompters?

They obviously think it’s an issue, and the press covered it up for them again! Happy days!

obamanomics for the household

Since our Dear Leader ascended to the throne, it is obvious that his intellect, calm and teleprompter-reading skills are unmatched in human history. In these trying times, it makes sense for all His subjects to understand how the Dear Leader’s vision can be brought into the home to assist individuals the way He has helped humanity as a whole.

I have framed the issues in the form of a quiz, to assist subjects see with the vision of the Dear Leader, and to better understand His mysterious workings.

1. Your wife loses her job with no forseeable replacement available, thereby cutting your family income by 40%. Do you

a) Re-evaluate the family budget, identifying areas where outgoings can be trimmed and purchases deferred, pending better circumstances, or

b) Take no action and hope that better financial times are around the corner, or

c) Raid your children’s college savings and hire contractors to replace the roof, re-side the house and re-pave the driveway?

2. The auto repair shop where you have your car fixed experiences a downturn due to their enormous wage and benefit structure and substandard service offering; they cannot any longer make payroll from operating income without assistance from their bankers or unless they can identify other sources of investment. Do you

a) Identify a new auto repair shop with a more competitive market position, and transfer your car repair business to them, or

b) Take no action and continue to send your car to be repaired by your existing auto shop, but keep an eye on their operations, or

c) Raid your children’s college savings and loan $40,000 to your existing auto repair shop, hoping that against all experience the auto repair shop will turn things around and become a thriving, viable business.

3. You are forced to take a pay cut to preserve your job, thereby reducing your family income for the forseeable future. Do you

a) Consider every aspect of your financial circumstances, sell one car and cancel your foreign vacation, or

b) Continue to consume as though your income has not altered, hoping that your pay cut will shortly be reversed, or

c) Raid your children’s college savings and make unsecured loans to every Tom, Dick and Harry in the neighborhood in the hope that your ‘investment’ will stimulate the local economy and your employer will quickly reinstate your former income level.

If you answered a) to any of the above, you are a counter-revolutionary saboteur, and a blind follower of Limbaughism. You should be ashamed. And hanged.

If you answered b) to any of the above, you are a just-say-no right-wing extremist, clamoring for the poor to starve, and the oceans to rise.

If you answered c) to any or all of the above, you are a compassionate visionary, able to see the bigger moral landscape, and a person worthy of a seat at His table (or under it, collecting small scraps of arugula upon which to feed your kin).

I trust this is all clear.

more cowbell

We need to get Fannie and Freddie to ‘lend like crazy’.

Really? That’s the cure to a credit-fueled binge of spending excess? More lending?

Again, you know, anytime we have now got taxpayer money on the line, what we have an obligation to do is do it in a way that protects the American taxpayer. What is going to be the way that gets these institutions safe, gets them doing what we need them to do, which is lend like crazy, and just basically functioning again for the economy.

Only in the lunatic asylum that we call Washington DC could such a notion even pass the fucking laugh test.

We’re doomed. I’m moving to Alaska.

imputed income: Your Patriotic Duty

Ok, since I mentioned it in a previous post and others have mentioned it before, I guess it is time for a refresher course on imputed income. It is not a theory. It HAS been accomplished before. The last time it was thought of was in the early years of the Clinton administration. Gingrich stopped it dead in its tracks. One more thing to thank Mr. Gingrich for. Now it might not have happened anyway, but it was discussed and a plan was readied to implement it. I think it would have been a death sentence for Clinton’s presidency. When the republicans took the house and senate it was shelved along Hillarycare and Clinton’s “one time” 15% tax on 401k balances earned in the greedy 80’s.

So what is imputed income? It is basically savings. If you saved money on a taxable event, you have generated imputed income. Under Clinton’s plan, he was looking at things like the savings of a mortgage versus a renter. Say you own your home and it costs you 1500/month. You live in a great neighborhood where the same house rents for 2200/month. Well that means you aren’t contributing 700 dollars to the economy and thus that savings is “income” that you should be taxed on. So you would have 8400 dollars of imputed income. That’s the easiest one because the banks provide the feds with your annual interest and it’s only one more field in a database to give them the monthly payment. Being a database administrator by trade, I can tell you that is an easy if it means billions in income. Then all the government needs is the “average” rent in your area (which they already have) and poof, income out of nowhere. In the above example in the 25% bracket, you would owe 2100 dollars of extra tax. Poof. Pay up.

Did you make your own shed? Well, the retail cost of that shed, minus the materials would be imputed income. Fix your own broken car? Well, what you would have paid the dealership to fix it is now imputed income. Grow your own wheat? Fork over the cash!

Now I know what you’re thinking. Grow your own wheat? How the heck can they enforce that? You’re looking at that above list and saying: “Chris, you’re a freaking moron.” Maybe I am. But not for this. This is real. THIS HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE! That last example I mentioned above, grow your own wheat, IS an imputed income Supreme Court case. Good old FDR did that one. Take a look at Wickard V. Filburn

Mr. Filburn committed the crime of growing more wheat than the quota of the federal government allowed. He argued that he kept the wheat for his own use. The SCOTUS struck that down saying

“if Filburn had not used home-grown wheat he would have had to buy wheat on the open market. This effect on interstate commerce, the Court reasoned, may not be substantial from the actions of Filburn alone but through the cumulative actions of thousands of other farmers just like Filburn its effect would certainly become substantial. Therefore Congress could regulate wholly intrastate, non-commercial activity if such activity, viewed in the aggregate, would have a substantial effect on interstate commerce, even if the individual effects are trivial”

In other words, if you had not grown your own wheat, you would have had to buy it and that would have created commerce for taxation. You didn’t and we, the feds, didn’t get our cash. Hence, you owe the taxes on the imputed income of your wheat Mr. Filburn. Fork it over. That is a real case. That really happened. It is law!

There are other imputed incomes that are real and in effect: Default on a credit card for long enough, they will send you a settlement offer. “If you pay just 1000 of the 4000 you owe, we’ll drop the other 3000″. If you accept that, you will get a bill for 1000 dollars AND a 1099 for 3000 of imputed income for the forgiven debt. Company provided life insurance is considered imputed income if it exceeds 50k. So if you have 100k in life insurance provided by your employer, you have imputed income that under IRC 79, they have to add to your W2. It’s a formula that takes age, amounts, etc. Usually a few dollars here and there but you still have to pay it. There are others but you get the idea. We already have imputed income. Now we’re getting more.

Obama has to pay for his spending (and to be fair, Bush’s, Clinton’s, Bush 1’s, Reagan’s, Carter’s, etc) somehow. He can’t grow the money needed on trees. He can only print so much before we wind up with our version of the Ruble. He can’t tax everyone he needs to directly or he’ll be a one termer. Imputed income will be the key. It won’t hit the poor, who by and large rent, so those that don’t contribute won’t have to yet again. It will target the middle to upper class and will generate income to the government. We could cut spending, but, he, like the ones before him, refuses to do that. Get ready to pay the bill. After all, it’s your patriotic duty.

Its Official!

Obama’s DVDs to Gordon Brown? Region 1! Maybe our president IS eligible for the special olympics after all.

Edit:

I’ve had this image in my head of how the whole thing went down. It led me to produce a little play on the matter, and with only a little bit of editing, here is the little image in my head.

The Gift That Won’t Start Giving

The setting: The White House, Barack Obama is at the Oval Office desk reading. The intercom on the desk cracks through.

White House Secretary: Mr. President, Gordon Brown is here to see you.

Barack Obama: Thank you Shiela, send him on in.
(Gordon Brown enters)

Gordon Brown: Mr. President, it is a pleasure to see you.

BO: Gordon Brown! What’s up? Have a seat, let’s shoot the shit.
(Brown and Obama both sit)

GB: Before we get down to business Mr. President, I’d like to present you with this gift on behalf of the British people (Brown opens his brief case and produces a wooden pen holder). This pen holder was carved from timbers taken from the HMS Gannet. The ship was formerly named the HMS President, a sister ship to the very same one from which Queen Victoria had your desk carved. The ship used to patrol the waters off the coast of Africa on a humanitarian mission to fight the illegal slave trade. I present this gift to you in goodwill and friendship.
(Obama takes the pen holder and sets it on his desk)

BO: Thank you Gordon, that was very nice of you. I got you something too. (Obama opens his desk and pulls out a DVD collection) This is a DVD set of the 25 greatest movies ever made.
(Obama hands it to Brown, Brown stares incredulously)

GB: Ummm. . . you know, Mr. President. . .

BO: Yes Gordon.

GB: The Diplomatic gift exchange is a highly symbolic affair. . .

BO: Uh huh.

GB: Typically the gifts given have some cultural and historical significance between the giver and the recipient.

BO: What are you saying Gordon?

GB: I’m not entirely certain this is an appropriate gift for a diplomatic gift exch. . .

BO: Well you’re an ungrateful motherfucker you know that. (Obama snatches the DVDs out of Brown’s hand) Gimme back my goddamn DVDs.

GB: Mr. President I’m sorry. . . I’ll. . . I’ll take the DVDs.

BO: Goddamn right you will. Stingy motherfucker I got you 25 of the greatest movies ever made, you got me a goddamn pen holder you cheap motherfucker. 25 DVDs, that’s 25 Friday nights right there!

GB: You know, Mr. President, I’m not even really that big of a movie buff. In fact, I’m going blind!

BO: You just don’t know how to stop complaining do you? Take your DVDs and get the fuck out of my office! (Pressing the button on the intercom) Shiela!

Shiela: Yes Mr. President?

BO: Send in the Irish prime minister.

Shiela: Yes Mr. President.
(Gordon Brown gets up and leaves, Brian Cowen enters)

Brian Cowen: Mr. President, it is an honor to meet you sir.

BO: Thank you Mr. Irish prime minister, please have a seat.

BC: Before we begin, I’d like to present you with a gift on behalf of the Irish people. (Cowen reaches into his pocket and produces a lapel pin) This lapel pin belonged to Oscar Wilde and he wore it on his famous 1882 tour of the United States and Canada. Please accept this gift on behalf of the Irish people.
(Obama takes the pin)

BO: Thank you Mr. Irish prime minister. (He picks up the pen holder) I got you a pen holder.
(Cowen takes the pen holder and examines it)

BC: I. . . I saw Gordon Brown with this same pen holder 5 minutes ago. . .

BO: Naw, that was a different pen holder.

BC: No. . .no it was not. You’re fucking re-gifting Gordon Brown’s pen holder to me you unthoughtful son of bitch!

BO: Hey, shit, calm down guy! The liquor stores are closed on Sunday, I was totally gonna hook you up with a case of Guinness.

Three weeks later, the White House phone rings. Barack Obama answers.

BO: You’ve reached his Obamificence. . . how may I help you?

Gordon Brown: Yeah, Barack, the DVDs are region 1.

BO: Uh huh.

GB: I’m in region 2.

BO: Uh huh.

GB: The DVDs you gave me don’t work in Europe!

BO: So buy a goddamn converter you cheap bastard. This is the last time I give you a good gift motherfucker. Next time you come I’m giving you a goddamn lapel pin!

it could be true

Given the stark raving lunacy that passes for ‘environmental’ journalism in 2009.

THE March quota of global catastrophe warnings has been reached with almost two weeks to go, it was confirmed last night.

The monthly total now stands at 240 meaning scientists, politicians, clergyman and the Daily Mail will have to apply for an extension or face a reduction in the April quota of terrifyingly apocalyptic, certain death scenarios.

It is the first real test for the quota system, established last year so that frightened citizens do not lose track of what is going to kill them by 2030.

However, as any fool knows, poverty will have killed most of us by the time the Obama administration ends in 2012.

hear hear

It is impossible to disagree with a single word the man says:

The single greatest instance of intellectual foolishness today is the continuing pretense that politicians are serious people worthy of serious consideration. They are scoundrels, each and every one, regardless of party (although some of them, it is true, are more scoundrelly than others). For any scholar to pretend that these people are disinterested servants of the public welfare — to pretend that the words politicians utter or send out in press releases are meant to promote any goal other than politicians’ own glorification and pursuit of power — is for that scholar to be duped to a degree that should be more embarrassing than would be the discovery that that scholar believes the earth to be flat or that Big Foot was in league with Lee Harvey Oswald to murder JFK.

And from comments:

I still do not understand how people can believe that the legislators and regulators who are largely responsible for this mess have any combination of experience and intelligence to fix it.

I still do not understand how people cannot see that the best thing for everyone is for the legislators and regulators who are largely responsible for this mess to leave everyone alone.

How on earth is (i) Barney Frank qualified to run a bank, (ii) Chris Dodd qualified to run a financial services company, (iii) Nancy Pelosi qualified to design an automobile, (iv) Barack Obama qualified to make medical decisions, and (v) Joe Biden qualfied to do anything?

They have been immune from the consequences of their own actions and decisions for decades. They have never had to make the choices, follow the laws and regulations and honor the contracts that private citizens and businesses do every day.

They are all, to use a piece of Olde English vernacular, absolute cunts.

Any child of mine that expresses a desire to become a politician will immediately be drowned.

Fucking. Wankers.

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