MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

Why I am now voting for Barack Obama

• Posted by Chris on October 17th, 2008 filed in 2008 election, Barack Obama, Funny, General, Politics    

It’s so liberating. I have seen the light and it shines upon the messiah, the most holy, Barack Obama. All I had to do was stop thinking and accept his infallible truths. Actual facts, figures, brain cells, etc mean nothing now because the most holy Barack will take care of us all. I was reading some left wing writers and found some really interesting theories on upcoming problems that the world will have. When I figured how to fix them, voting for the most holy Barack became the only option. Here are those thoughts of the future:

1. There are far too many people in the world. There are way too many people that go hungry. When his most holy Barack gets into office, Iran will get the bomb and Ahmadinejad will try to bring back the Mahdi of his Hojjatieh sect of Islam. Think of how many fewer people will be in Israel, the U.S., and several countries that he deems unworthy. They will be incinerated and that will take care of the overpopulation problem.

2. Russia is too small. After all, a socialist country is the best kind. Mother Russia needs to be as big as possible. With most holy Barack, any Russian aggression will be met with stunned silence then an equivocating “now play nicely boys”. Mother Russia will be strong again! Just think of all the dollars a ruble will buy! And you were worried that the Chinese and Japanese owned too much of America. Not for long!

3. Terrorists are way too mad at everyone. And you know what? Rightly so. After all, all they want is recognition and dead non-muslims. They just want someone to meet with them and talk to them and some Jews to kill. That’s what has been missing all these years. That mean old George Bush keeps killing them and shooting at them and trying to deny them their bloodlust. No wonder they are so mad. Look, Osama Bin Laden is a very reasonable man. He’s just misunderstood. His most holy Barack will meet with the all the terrorists and the sheer force of his smile and being will make them drop their weapons and worship him instead of that other religion they currently employ. They will be happy because the most holy Barack cares! Won’t that be wonderful?

4. There is way too much money in society. I understand now what the democrats know. Any dollar, no matter how it’s wasted, is better spent by the government. It doesn’t matter if it buys caviar for Michelle Obama. It was better that the government spend money on that than anyone anywhere spending their own money on something for themself. It just makes so much more sense that way. His most holy Barack will raise taxes on EVERYONE and we won’t have to worry about all that greed in society! He will make sure we have only what is needed for us and we won’t have to pay for any of it!

5. Taxes are way too high. With his most holy Barack, taxes will initially go up and everyone will go broke. Without money to tax, taxes will come down! It’s so easy to figure this stuff out!

6. There are way too many uninsured people in the world. His most holy Barack will cover us all with his wise and most bountiful universal health care. He will even cover illegal aliens and other people in the world! Soon, the health care system will go broke and break down just as he planned. As the dregs of society die off, there won’t be any more uninsured!

7. We are way too dependent upon foreign oil. Make no mistake. Gas prices are not too high. They are too low. We need to ban ALL drilling and over the last 2 months Reid and Pelosi have tried to sneak a ban on drilling into 2 different bills. That mean old George Bush threatened to veto them (oooooh, that mean old Bush) so they backed out. With Bush out, those bans will go right back in and will be PERMANENT this time. No oil means no gas. No gas means no cars. No cars means no dependence on foreign oil. Won’t that be nice? No more wars for oil! Oh, and forget those natural gas cars. You have to drill for that too so that’s out. Bikes here we come. Well for us that is. The most holy Barack cannot be seen riding his bike with us lower forms of life. He will have to be allowed his air conditioned limo and private jets when he’s not on Air Force 1.

8. Global warming was too warm. His most holy Barack has given us a retroactive freebie here. He knew he’d be in office in 2009 so he ordered the Earth to start cooling in 1998 and it has been cooler every year since. How wonderful is the mighty Barack!?! He was not even president and he saved us from global warming. A freebie. Just think of all the other freebies we’ll get! His most holy Barack won’t make anyone pay for anything.

9. There are too many wars. War has never been the answer (it’s so liberating to write that!). With his most holy Barack in office, the UN will handle all issues of world importance. That means that all those UN backed dictators won’t have to worry about the mean old US of KKKA intervening in their slaughters unless they slaughter the wrong people. Without intervention, the dictators will kill off the dissidents and world peace will be upon us thank you to the almighty Barack!

10. Can’t someone else do it? That was Homer Simpson’s campaign slogan when he ran for the county trash boss. That is so wise. Homer Simpson is a genius. And when someone as smart and wise as Homer Simpson votes for his most holy Barack what more do you need to know? Get out there and do like Homer. He is so wise!

I feel so liberated. No thinking, no responsibilities, nothing. Just mother government from cradle to grave to take care of me. It worked so well in the USSR and is working so well in North Korea, Cuba and China. Why not do it here too? I’m tired of paying my house bill. I’m tired of paying my car payment. I’m tired of paying my credit cards. I want someone else to. I want Barack Obama to make someone else pay them for me. That is why I have switched my vote. I invite you to as well.

Ok, not really, but I got really drunk and the lack of brain power made voting Barack seem so right…