MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

American Idol - Top 12 Week, Night 1

• Posted by Beth on March 13th, 2007 filed in American Idol, April Fool's, General, Stupid    

Woo hoo. Finally, they’re down to twelve. Now I guess I have to learn these dorks’ names, huh? OK, well two names I did know are gone–Antonella Barba (thank GOD she’s gone) and Sundance. I forgot the other two names from last week already! It’s kinda hard not to know Antonella Barba’s name, with all the idiots searching on teh intarweb for her, manufacturing fifteen minutes of fame for her. But enough of the losers.

Hopefully, my long-time Idol friend Chris will be here, because he’s usually right on target with his predictions. I’m not! There are sites that predict the winnars and lozars every week based on estimated calls, and then there’s the infamous (and wonderful) Vote for the Worst. Guess who VFTW is gunning for this time?

Yup. Sanjaya. Or “Michael Jackson,” as I see him. OK, so Sanjaya’s probably not a perverted freak, but that week he wore the hat and sang in that high-pitched voice? Ugh. Apparently all the tweens love him, which makes me laugh because WTF? I know when I was that age, I sure didn’t go for the boys that looked and sounded so…I dunno…girlish. Ever. Then again, I’m not a MySpace retard and I’m not really into this silly teevee show, either, and never would have been.

Tonight starts out with…what was his name? Randy? See? I’m sucking with most of these names. And this performance sucks ass, or maybe he just picked a really, really bad song. Errr…wait, almost ALL the songs are really, really bad. This one’s particularly bad for him. Oh! And I despise these cheesy endings to these cheesy songs!

OK, it was Brandon, not Randy. Yay, the Three Stooges thought he was weak, too. Shocker. More babbling about American Idol horrors below the break!

Oops! I wasn’t paying attention to the lame family story or whatever they were talking about. Who is this? Melinda? Well, hey, she can sing! Good. What the fark is she doing on this show?

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! F–king Paula!!! Get off the bottle, biatch! She’s a crying drunk! F–k, I can’t believe she’s crying! I mean Melinda was awesome, but crying?! And Simon’s laughing at Paula! HAHA! F–k yeah, Simon!

Oh my God, now I’m gonna cry. ::sob:: Boohooohooo…. This Endless Love shi’ite makes the Baby Jesus cry, too. Jack Osbourne or whatever, Chris, dude, that S U C K E D !!!!!!

S U C K E D ! ! !

Dude is so going home this week. Home!, with his big freaky huge head with the big freaky huge hair.

Who’s this clown with the bad hair dye job and the goth wannabe look? Hmmm. Who looks more ridiculous, Diana Ross or Goth Wannabe Girl? Gina. Well, her voice isn’t horrible, even though the song is. I think I’m going to hate almost everyone because I think Diana Ross is lamer than shi’ite. And no, Simon and crew aren’t impressed either, although they weren’t booing, as Simon practically (and rightfully) was doing with Jack Osbourne Chris.

W00t! Sanjaya! Vote for the worst! I almost feel guilty because he seems like a sweet kid, but I don’t feel THAT bad. OMG!!! What’s with the Diana hair he’s sportin’??? How perfect is it that Michael Jackson gets a Diana Ross night?! Jesus, this kid is cheesy. Horrifying. Evil. HA! Simon is so right! Mean? Shi’ite, he’s damn right. The only thing Diana Ross about that song was the hair! HAAHAA! It was horrible, cheesy, wrong, vile, asinine. No problem, though, kid–you’ve got the VFTW votes, unlike the other hairdo boy Chris. (Yes, I know I’m obsessing. I was traumatized by Chris’ “performance,” if you can call it that.)

BAH, shi’ite. Commercials are over already? Ugh. Isn’t this over yet? WTF, did I actually decide to do this again on a two-hour night? Shi’ite. Oh good, more to ignore–the chatter with Diana, blah blah blah. This one’s Haley, apparently (?) the one everyone said should have gone home last week. I admit it–I didn’t watch last week or the week before.

EEEK! She sucks too! Booooooooo! OK, she’s not as horrifying as Sanjaya and Chris, but damn, she sucks BIG time. What’s with these tards and their jerky stage movements? They always look so choreographed, just raising an arm. How pathetic. There’s Randy with his “a little pitchy” shi’ite again–I stg that’s their favorite word. Pitchy. What’s wrong with “sucky?” And why the hell is Simon being more forgiving than the others? Oh yeah, I forgot. He’s thinking with his other head. Now she’s begging for everyone to feel sorry for her. Oy. Well, she wasn’t the worst so far this week, but …

ACK! What’s that commercial? Will Farrell playing an ice skater? Oh, I forgot, I’m not live-blogging commercials. That was just too disturbing to not mention it.

Oh, hey Chris! (Lucky bastard with TIVO gets to fast forward through Chris and Sanjaya and Haley!) Dude, who’s the bald guy? Phil?

KILL ME! NO NO NO!!! I can’t take this!!!! Lounge singer, lounge stage presence, and it’s BAD, BAD, BAD lounge shi’ite! Where’s that gong, anyway? GONG! Get off the stage! I swear I’m never watching this show ever ever again! All the dudes on this show suck ASS!

OK, my daughter just woke me up. I passed out from that excessive cheesiness. Lakisha. She’s really good, but this is sorta boring. Or else I’m just in a funk now after all that suckage from the dudes. Or it’s just a bad song for me. Well, the audience loves her. Randy loves her. Paula’s not crying! w00t! Or is she? Simon sez she and Melinda are in a “different league” compared to the others, and he’s right.

Haha, Chris (not that Chris, this Chris) doesn’t hate Chrisjack Osbourne with the heat of ten thousand suns like I do! Yikes! And dude, I missed Gina’s pierced tongue, but now I really hate her if she’s got that.

Hey, what the hell? This Blake dude is still on? Blechhh. At least he’s not wearing the faux-hawk. Errrrm…spoke too soon. Still has the idiot hair. But I have to say, despite the fact that I think this SUCKS, he’s better than the other dudes so far. How sad is that?! Yuck.

OK, even though this is the third year I’ve put myself through this hell for the sake of venting at the teevee (versus screeching on the blog about shi’ite that actually matters), I dunno what’s going on. Are they gonna make people vote off two this week? And does it have to be one male/one female? ‘Cause that would suck. I’d say see-ya to Sanjaya and either Chris or Phil. Good thing I don’t actually vote until the end! (Why waste time on phone calls for this shi’ite?)

Now it’s Stephanie with Love Hangover. Well, already she’s in the top three this week, behind Melinda and Lakisha, and this isn’t really that impressive. Maybe I just hate the song itself, like all the others. Anyway, top three easily, at least for me. The judges seem to think so as well.

What? There’s another Chris? Who is this guy? Oh yay, another cheesy dude. Whoa, he sucks too, but he’s going out toward the audience and walking around. That’ll save him this week, I guess. :sigh: I guess I’m going to just cringe every time a guy steps on stage this season. Haha, Simon sez it was “dreadful!”

Christ, if this isn’t torture enough, my daughter is raising hell with the cat. I think I’m going to need to get stocked up on booze to make it through this AI season. OK, Good Chris says just one’s getting cut this week. Damn. (Thanks, Chris!) Or should I say Mean Chris? HAHA, Chris R. (the dork who was just on) is Pee-Wee Herman!

HEY, why the fark are all you others here reading this and not commiserating with us? Yer gonna make us suffer alone? I can see you’re here! Pbbbbt!

Please God, let this Jordin chick be the last one. This sucks too, but watch the Three Stooges like it, only because it’s so much better than the guys, and better than Haley and Gina. Still, this is boring as hell. Yep, they love it. Yawn. Randy says she’s up there with Melinda and Lakisha? Um, no she’s not. She might be #3, but there’s a long way between 2 and 3.

OK, phone numbers: 1-866-IDOLS**. Just go down the list, they’re all in order. Brandon is IDOLS01/text 5701, but you’re not voting for him. Melinda is IDOLS02, text 5702. Lakisha is IDOLS08, text 5708. That’s all you need to know, unless you’re voting with VFTW. Sanjaya is 05. :mrgreen:

Chris has his rankings in the comments; I’m just going with Melinda (whom I keep wanting to call Mandisa) and Lakisha, with everyone else sucking in comparison and the dudes way, way at the bottom.

Vinnie said he’ll do TIVO blogging for the elimination night (I do believe “elimination” is a good metaphor for the entire show, but I digress), so if you want to mock/bitch/scream in comments, we’ll be here! See ya!