MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

UGH.

• Posted by Beth on December 31st, 2005 filed in General    

Yeah, yeah, I know, I’ve been kinda scarce around here for the last week. A zillion thanks to Mac (and Vinnie!) for holding down the fort while I’ve been slacking busy, and a zillion apologies to those who are awaiting email responses from me (Merri, Holly, Alexandra, Anchoress, etc.). I SWEAR I wasn’t blowing anyone off; I’ve been almost totally off the computer, and when I’ve gotten on, I didn’t even WANT to look at email–it’s gotten ridiculous how much has piled up. I didn’t forget y’all, though.

Anyway, I’m here. Blah. I really don’t have much to say, though, unless y’all want to hear all about what I’ve been doing the last week (which won’t excite you, I promise). Like today, my mother (Ursula Andress/Vivien Leigh/Kobe Bryant???) and I (Halle Berry) were playing with the Face Recognition thing and laughing at my dad (Jacques Chirac!).

So, uh…yeah. Christmas was excellent, and New Year’s Eve looks to be the same as any other Saturday night around here–IOW, nothing going on. New Year’s F–kin’ Eve. What a lame-o “holiday,” anyway. I always said NYE was for dorks who had no life to get out once a year and cut loose. I was wrong; dorks who have no life don’t even get out on NYE. Exhibit A: Me. No matter though; it’s like Drunk Driving Night, and I don’t reeeeally wanna be out dodging the drunks on the road–thanks anyway. Maybe I’ll drunk-blog or something. Probably not, though. (I’m not much of a drinker–I pickled my liver years ago and can’t drink much more than one or two drinks without getting a world-class hangover any more.)

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions, either–never have, never will. Why does everyone do that, anyway? Why not pick any other day to get your shi’ite together? I’d like to be able say “I’ll quit smoking,” but why for the New Year? If I’m not ready today, why would I be on an arbitrary day such as January 1st? Oh–before anyone starts that “you should quit” shi’ite with me–save it. I know, I’ve heard it, OK? I really love smoking. Love. It. Mmmmmm. Cigarettes. I wish it were so easy. If I had absolutely ZERO conscience I would chain-smoke from the time I wake up until I fall asleep–but I do have just enough sense to not do so. Barely.

Speaking of smoking, did you hear this shi’ite about some 400% cigarette tax being proposed in California? What the fark! They said on the news that a pack of cigarettes would cost almost SEVEN DOLLARS? OK, sure, some people will quit smoking, but I gotta wonder, how many people will just say “farkit” and move to Arizona or whatever? And if I lived there, I’d have my brothers or sister or somefarkinone mail me cigarettes, if I couldn’t just leave. I want to know something: what compelling reason is there to even live in California, anyway? It’s too damn expensive, too full of dumbass leftards, actors, and starfarkers, it’s got LA and San Francisco. No thanks. I’ve been there, and saw absolutely zero that would make me want to live there–not even in San Diego (which is, from what I’ve seen, a thousand times better than the rest of the damn state, but it still didn’t impress me). When I lived in Arizona everyone talked about how all the Californians were moving to Arizona and would say, “will the last American to leave California please remember to bring the flag!” Poor Arizona–not only do they get every retiree from north of the Mason-Dixon Line driving around in their white Buicks (if they’re not driving their golf carts down the road), they get flaky Californians who move there and bitch that Arizona isn’t California enough. Like it’s a BAD thing. Heh. F–k California. Hey, I can say that–most Californians would say, “oh, another ignint redneck from Alabammy.” Heh. F–k California. 400% cigarette tax. Save Tookie. Bring the flag. Right. Heh.

OK, what else…Oh, that kid Farris Hassan who flew to Baghdad. Funny! How funny is it that his name is Farris, too–like Ferris Bueller? Isn’t that exactly a Ferris Bueller thing to do? OK, I’m a mother, so yeah, I would have kinda freaked if he were my kid, but you gotta love the kid’s nerve. Sounds like a pretty smart kid, too–here’s an essay he recently wrote.

All right, there’s probably been a lot of good stuff written over the last week around the blogs, but I can’t possibly link to all of it. Apparently a bunch of people are doing year-end type of things, but I’m lazy. Lazy as hell. Maybe I’ll put together an obligatory “It’s Just Another Day But With a 6 Instead Of a 5″ post, or something. Really, all New Year’s Eve/Day means to me is it’s getting closer to MARDI GRAS! (What? Were you thinking New Orleans? Heh. Mobile’s Mardi Gras is and always has been FAR better–it’s America’s best-kept secret.)

OK, enough stream-of-consciousness-blogging. More later. Maybe.

Oh yeah. Haha, I changed the default theme again. Tough. It’s dumbass New Year’s Eve and I wanna wear a little black dress. Maybe some day I’ll actually stick with one theme.

“Oh yeah” #2: Don’t think I didn’t notice THIS. Hmph! *