“How Not to Get a Wife”
You know, every time I’ve been to Ambra Nykol’s site, I say I’m going to read it every day because she cracks me up. Uh, ok, so I forget things sometimes. Anyway, this is one of the reasons why:
Here’s one way:
Have more than one-inch of exposed chest hair while in grocery stores and restaurants. Top buttons were created for a reason gentlemen. There’s nothing wrong with chest hair (or as I prefer to call it, “Taco Meat”), but there is a time and a place for everything. Not around the food please.
Can I just say…guys? Y’all need to read it. You’ll either laugh your head off or cry like a baby (make that item #12, if it were my list). Of course, I wouldn’t dare put up a list of my own like this, because you just might get the impression that I am a little bit picky or something. And surely a twice-married (and divorced) woman couldn’t possibly be picky!
Taco Meat!!! OMGLMFAOLOLROTFL!!!!11!!!!!!!
I’m feeling inspired to invite comments on “how not to get a wife” (or husband, so everyone can play along). Why? Because I’m sick and tired of growling about moonbats, dhimmis, and jihadis at the moment. (Thanks, Ambra, for the inspiration.) And if y’all don’t play along, I WILL be pissed.
So I’ll start:
How not to get a wife:
1. Be a self-pitying whiner. (I know, mine was obvious. You can do better.)
Next?
Margo Demers says:
Don’t say on the second date: “Well, I used to have a horrible drug habit, but I’m ok now.”
DragonLady says:
ROFL! Here’s my classic from Tech School:
Try to pick up a woman while still wearing your wedding ring with a line like “Was your father a theif?”
First time I ever laughed in a guy’s face.
Jane says:
Drink yourself into oblivion and then cry over your high school sweetheart who left you at 17 because you were a drunk. Call the woman you’re with an unfeeling bitch when she starts to back out the door.
Leanne says:
2. Brag about how “big” you are. We’re not blind OR stupid, we can see your hands. :wink:
3. Brag about anything else. Nothing is more irritating than a guy that won’t shut up about himself!
Jody says:
1. Think that burping the alphabet will impress us.
2. Your greatest ambition is to make crew chief at McDonalds.
3. You actually think that you know everything. (Lawyers– read this one twice!)
Housewife says:
No.2 from Leanne up there is my favorite.
Here are is another one:
Talk all the time about how you are going to do something and then NEVER do it.
Housewife says:
Dang, how did that comment up there of mine get bolded like that?
(Carol: it was the number symbol that did it; I guess Wordpress hates it? I’m going to have to figure that one out some day. –Beth)
Ogre says:
Wear clothes so that your underwear shows — anywhere.
And this one works for men and women. Dammit, it’s called UNDERwear for a reason, people!
NIF says:
Chief of Black Helicopters
Today’s dose of NIF - News, Interesting & Funny … It’s Stop the ACLU Thursday
John Bambenek says:
“It’s not her; It’s you”
Awesome.
Beth says:
How about:
Be a pompous ass, who can never laugh at himself.
I hate those people with a passion.
Ogre, you are SO right! UNDERwear!
basil's blog says:
Junk Food Snack
a.k.a. Lame Guest-Blogging Yep, it’s me again! Actually, BEULAH MAE!!! stopped by yesterday to hijack basil’s blog and steal the spotlight away from Cousin Red, but the power went out in her trailor right about the time she finished hunting-and-pecking
Holly - A Soldiers Angel says:
1. Wait until you are 30 (or 40…or 50) to move out of your parent’s house and then complain about the cost of rent.
2. For your first date buy the lady a happy meal and sneak her into a movie.
3. Consider smoking a menthol cigarette to be the equivalent of brushing your teeth.
Flourish says:
Steal the tip off the table from the previous diners. ugh!
Beth says:
Here’s a favorite, courtesy of a certain ex-husband:
Get drunk as hell, puke, and be too farking lazy to BRUSH YOUR DAMN TEETH afterwards. Also applies when you’re sick and whining about being “too sick” to brush post-puke teeth. Serious grounds for divorce!
Beth says:
Oh and here’s another:
Leave your goddamned dishes on the table/floor(!)/whatever after you eat, with the unspoken assumption that “someone else” will make them magically disappear.
(I need to quit adding my own comments, dammit.)
Two Dogs says:
Wait, is smoking a menthol NOT the equivalent of brushing your teeth? Who are you people?
Sigmund, Carl and Alfred says:
Ladies, please-
1)No whine with dinner.
2)Yes, we love more than the silent and appreciative woman of our fantasies, ok?
3)If you die, we will marry again. Just like you would.
4)Your breasts are fine. If they weren’t, we wouldn’t be here.
5)We know you could have married Mr Perfect. You didn’t- because a) he didn’t want you, or, b)you thought you were smarter than he- and now you know you are wrong and what the hell makes you think you are any smarter now?
6)Your mother is an idiot. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
7)if you want to lose 10lbs, please do not deprive us of food we like. YOU stop eating.
8)It isn’t the jeans that make your ass look fat.
9)We have seen Sleepless in Seattle. There is no need to ask us if we want to watch it again. We don’t.
10)Ordering pizza is not ‘making dinner.’
oregano says:
Ladies, please don’t spend the evening telling us all the reasons the other guys were wrong for you. We are interested in getting to know you, not the reasons you aren’t going to like us, too.