MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

Alabama Hurricane Preparation

• Posted by Beth on July 13th, 2005 filed in Funny, General, Hurricane    

Important information, courtesy of my mother! :wink:

ALABAMA HURRICANE PREPARATION

You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a refresher course: We’re about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any minute now, you’re going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points.

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Alabama. If you’re new to the area, you’re probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we’ll get hit by “the big one.”

Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will stay here in Alabama. We’ll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS’ INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Alabama, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because
then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the
insurance business in the first place. So you’ll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

* Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they’re cheap.
* Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it
will be December.
* Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they’re very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
* Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc…you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don’t have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).
Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver’s license; if it says “Alabama,” you
live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in
your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don’t evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Alabama tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

* 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
* Bleach. (No, I don’t know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it’s traditional, so GET some!)
* A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
* A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Ivan; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
* $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television if you have a generator that’s working to keep the TV going and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the
ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck and remember: It’s great living in Paradise !

You know you’re living on the Gulf Coast when…

You have more than 20 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.

The freezer in your garage is full of homemade ice.

You flinch when you are introduced to a person named Charley, Frances or Ivan.

You find yourself dropping words like “millibar” and “convection” into everyday conversation.

Your pantry contains more than 10 cans of Spaghetti Os.

Making coffee on your propane grill does not seem like an odd thing to do.

You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.

When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe place.

You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.

You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of unleaded.

The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.

You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.

You have the number for FEMA on your speed dialer.

You own more than three large coolers.

You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it.

Three months ago you couldn’t hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.

You catch a 5-pound catfish. In your driveway.

You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner’s insurance policy.

At c*cktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chain saw.

You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.

There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.

You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.

Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.

Ice is a valid topic of conversation.

Relocating to North Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.