MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

Bonfire of the Vanities #93

• Posted by Beth on April 12th, 2005 filed in General    

[Oh, silly, silly Kevin...letting me host this...]

Welcome to the Sadistic Edition of the Bonfire of the Vanities,


in which I shall exact the punishment these bitches deserve for such substandard performance!

First, welcome back to Aaron from his blogging hiatus! I believe in what’s an attempt at publicity (cough link whoring cough), he has submitted an entire category for the Bonfire - Buy A Gun Day is nearly upon us! I choose this particular post from the BAG Day category to burn, because Aaron made his South Park character but hasn’t yet submitted it for the South Park Gallery here! We’re talking about unchecked aggression here, dude. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man. As a gift to you, Jane Fonda pron.

Zendo Deb from TFS Magnum distresses me with news about Alabama cops going easy on criminals. Please tell me this isn’t what you’re planning for Buy A Gun Day! For this, you shall be tasered!

Yes, Buy A Gun Day is this Friday the 15th, but Beck at INCITE has much greater ambitions than just a gun, but I’m afraid his plan for Talk Like A Pirate Day is simply all wet. Hell, there’s not even a tip jar at his blog! (You know, just ’cause you can talk like a pirate doesn’t mean you can be one.) You get a plastic sword to play pirate in your living room. That’s it.

WILLisms (Will) has discovered how to comment on a blog without going through the hassle of required registration. Even better, he gets to advertise his blog while doing it! I think I’ll send three trackbacks for this one…

Wanna get rich? Taylor at Fresh Thoughts really thinks Google Ads is the way to go! It’s OK, Taylor, we understand–a dollar IS a lot of money when you’re in college. But “rah rah capitalism”? May you earn another dollar from trolls clicking through ads to the World Socialist Party website!

Speaking of greedy money-grubbing, Greg from Catscape thinks he needs a government grant. Uh-huh. What’s the matter, Google ads aren’t paying you the big bucks yet? Don’t worry, I’ve sent a guy over to help you out. You’ll love him.

Oh, my! The Zero Boss shocks me! His tossed salad of a post has all kinds of unsavory elements–getting screwed, changing rhythm at the last second, hummers, the missionary position, all the way to mothering and biology. Sadly, the only common thread he found was…himself! Mark it Zero, Dude. A whack on the head with a book you ought to re-read!

If that isn’t racy enough for you, Baltimoron Mad Anthony has a cigar and tissue fixation, particularly once they’ve been used. Ewwwwww. Excuse me while I throw cigarette butts at Anthony to prove it CAN be done.

Boxing Alcibiades has issues with leather, skin, and coffee. Unfortunately, I’ve made this sound more intriguing than the odd train of thought he had…perhaps a boxing about the head on a Monday morning would be helpful in banishing such frightening thoughts?

Special “thanks” to the American Princess for gouging my eyes out with this charming piece. For forcing it upon me, you shall achieve world domination only over my dead body. (Wait, that was kind of the idea.) Besides, I am an Empress. Go fix your stepsisters some lunch, scrub the floors, and NO, you are not going to the ball.

This post is so full of crap, I’m at a loss for words. The Mets? Oy. A team only a couple of terrorists could love. May camelflies swarm around all the crap!

So “basil” (if that’s his real name) thought it would be cute to post something called “Opening Day II” without having written an “Opening Day I.” What was cute was that the main item of interest to his readers is the controversy of sweet tea vs. unsweetened tea. Of course, in fairness, the controversy of sweet vs. unsweet is more interesting than most things “basil” writes. (And of course, ice tea IS sweet tea.) A pelting with peanuts and crackerjack for you!

I’m still trying to figure out why Dan calls his blog “Riehl World View” as though his posts have anything to do with reality… Although truth is sometimes stranger than fiction, this wouldn’t qualify for that cliche. I hereby revoke your membership in the Paul Fan Club* and reassign you to the Reality-Based Community.

Josh Cohen’s Multiple Mentality entry isn’t a blog post (it’s in an open, no-registration-required forum), but this definitely warrants burning. Josh, you’ll never reach the heights of the Democratic Underground talking about TV chicks (how do you expect to draw in the trolls?) ! Off to the dump DU to learn how to write from their experts!

Carpe Bonum presents a ridiculous piece of nonsense from the New York Times Slimes about “Republibabes” in SUVs,” but felt the need to apologize for no pictures. Well, that doesn’t bother me, but maybe the NYT is right about male attitudes, since he assumes that only men read his blog? Hmmm? I order you to submit a photo of yourself (for that matter, Josh Cohen must do this too) to me for a Blogger Babes Contest so we women can objectify men, as is done so often on mens’ blogs!

Dodgeblogium (a Bonfire Deadhead like me–you know, following the Bonfire tour) sings the praises of American wines over * spit * Fwench * spit * wines. Why is this a Bonfire-worthy post, you ask!? Isn’t it obvious? He wrote * spit * Fwench * spit * as “French”, which is clearly inexcusable. * spit * Fwench * spit * pop music at full volume for you until you and your countrymen are rehabilitated!

Ferdinand T. Cat whines that he’s not getting enough attention from Kevin at Wizbang. Pssst…Ferdy…what kind of Conservative Cat are you, anyway, especially since you have the Carnival Submission Form? Cough up a hairball or piss on Kevin’s pillow or something–I hear it works quite well in getting human attention. For whining like a snail, though, I’m afraid I’m going to have to put you on a leash and take you for a walk at the dog park.

Sean from The American Mind wrote to say his Bonfire entry is his “public whining about my bad internet connection.” Believe me, I feel your pain. Apparently though, it’s so bad that he forgot to tell me which whiny post he wanted burned…? You shall escape punishment from me only because you’re getting plenty from your sadistic cable company.

Brian J. Noggle coyly tells us what NOT to get his friend Heather for her birthday, but I suspect it’s because he doesn’t want to be outbid when he buys a certain something for himself. (Here’s a tip: Auctionsniper.) You know, maybe I’ll just buy it for you and have it delivered right at your front door, unwrapped and ready to use!

Interested Participant thought an SUV full of illegal aliens from Mexico in Cleveland might prove interesting to someone, but apparently it’s not. What do you expect in Cleveland, anyway? I’m certain it’s because the locals like having a little exotic flair…or maybe everyone figures they could only improve things with some imported residents? I banish you to Flint, Michigan!

Yecccchh. Most disgusting post ever. I know you’re a Pirate, but please, have a little decency! I’m not even from Texas, but that’s just blasphemy! WALK THE PLANK!

In an excruciatingly late entry, Superhawk offers up his praise of Canadians to be tossed in the fire, noting that “Sometimes, some things that should be said about our neighbors to the north are better left unsaid.” Right, like Canadian beer sucks, but that’s better left unsaid as well. Anne Murray at full volume for you until you learn to hold your tongue!

Eric, my good friend and occasional guest-blogger, thinks he has nothing bonfire-worthy. Actually, his whole blog would qualify, but he’s in denial. Since I’m hosting the Bonfire this week, he submitted a post (link whore!), but only so he could get Michelle Malkin’s attention since I’m on her blogroll and HE isn’t (Dude, it’s not like she READS me!). Eric, duh, I don’t think Ms. Malkin is too fond of the “c-word”, you know, even when the object is more than deserving of being called one. And you sent a trackback with the c-word? I think you may have obviated the need for punishment from me–too bad we can’t just burn that little trackback!

Eric’s lovely and talented wife, Merri, has a sort-of mommy post for us… PETA would be quite proud of this mommy! For the criminal act of grossing me out, you are to suffer through eating only tofu and other crappy vegan food for the next week! (But all three of your children can eat whatever they want.)

Finally, in a real shocker*, Dr. Glenn Reynolds (yes! The One and Only!) actually submitted a recent piece from TCS. Funny, I always see him throw out links to the more blue-blooded Carnivals, never to the Bonfire! Maybe he’s decided to keep it real. Or maybe it’s something chronic. HEH. Indeed. As penance, Glenn Reynolds must now repeatedly Instalanche The Jawa Report until bandwidth limits are busted beyond reason.

Stop by the South Park Gallery as well and if you’d like to be included, see this post.